Today I want to talk about Homecoming videos.
I perfectly know what state they put me in, I perfectly know that I prolly shouldn't watch them. But I do. And I find myself crying, crying my whole soul out. May be it is just me trying to cry the pain or resentment or whatever it is away?
Let me explain. Yes of course, I cry while watching Homecoming videos because it is emotional and beautiful and everything. But I still have the tendency to try and compare my life and expericiences to what I witness, I know it is stupid, but I keep on doing that. And most of the time, it put my life in perspective, in the wrong way.
So here I am, watching these videos. Crying like a baby. Why? Because I wish I could show those emotion with my relatives. Because I wish my could feel the same joy as these kids when seeing my parents after a long time. Because I wish my kid had some one to be looking forward to see and embrace.
Do not get me wrong tho'. I perfectly know there are million of fatherless children (which I often consider myself as, no offense) that are very well. See myself, I don't feel like I am am waste of a kid. I mean yes I had to have a second chance through the birth of my son, but still, I'm pretty good. And I will do anything I can for my son to feel even better about himself no matter what the upcoming years come with about that situation.
But these Homecoming videos sometimes just put me in this place were I wish I could experience, just for a day, a different story. A story of united families, a story of good patterns perpetuated, a story of men and women of words.
Hugs and Kisses, Love and Peace. All in the same place, at the same moment, for the sake of the family, for the sake of love and unity. What if?
You don't ever know what if? And may be it is better off that way, what if them men stayed but made hell of other lives? Now what do I think about that 'what if' thing?
My story, my real life story is a story of strong women standing up for themselves, sticking up for each other.They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence by why do we even worry about that other side? It is true that I wish I could express how I wish I had a real bond with my sibling, how I wish I had people to jump at when seeing them again, how I don't want to hear people telling me 'it is going to be okay" when all I feel is pain, all that without being judge? But also.. why should I keep on crying myself to sleep thinking about what my family is missing out on when I don't even know the truth of the other side of the fence? Does it even matter? Even the tiniest bit of happiness should be enough, right? So may be I should just stop wondering and start living to the fullest. Not thinking of what might have been if we had thath perfect scheme. It eventually might come.
